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(Click link below to go to a specific joke)

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto

    Too Much To Drink!

    Their Last Words

    Oklahoma Proud

    Computer Savvy

    17 Great One-Liner Jokes

    A String Walks Up to a Bar

    At the Pearly Gates

    Four Worms

    The Manager and The Genie

    8 (Mean!) One-Liner Blonde Jokes

    Blonde and the Football Game (warning: mean!)

    Blonde Cop (warning: mean!)

    Blonde Locks Keys in Car (warning: mean!)

  The Ostrich

☻  Bandaged Ears

☻  Mad Wife Disease

☻  The New CEO

☻  The End Is Near

☻  Speeding Driver

☻  House Rules For The Dog

 

Check back - more laughs are coming!

 

 

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto


The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping on the prairie. After
they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo
Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"
 
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
 
The Lone Ranger ponders for a few moments, then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in
the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
 
"You dumb as a rock . . . . someone stole tent.

 

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Too Much To Drink!

 

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

 

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

 

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.  He falls flat on his face.

 

He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

 

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face!

 

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.  He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.  He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

 

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs, then crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

 

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.  He crawls over and falls into bed.

 

The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.  Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

 

Paddy says, "I did Jess.  But how'd you know?"

 

"Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub!

 

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Their Last Words

 

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

 

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

 

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

 

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."

 

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Oklahoma Proud

 

Last January, the New Orleans Times Picayune reported that a Cajun amateur archaeologist having dug to a depth of 10-meters found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years.... and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100-years ago. 

 

Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 20-meters.   Shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Morning News read:  'Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns.' 

 

One week later, The Daily Oklahoman reported the following:  'After digging as deep as 30-meters in wheat fields near Watonga, Bubba Williams, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Bubba has therefore concluded that 300-years ago, Okies were already using wireless.'

 

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Computer Savvy

 

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.  Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused. 

They faxed. 

They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.

They programmed.
They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than a speeding bullet.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their  computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone!  It's all GONE!  I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,


JESUS SAVES.

 

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17 Great One-Liner Jokes:

 

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?            -- Unique Up On It.

       How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?               -- The Tame Way.


How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?     
 --They Take The Psycho Path.


How Do You Get Holy Water?         -- You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?        --Dam !

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?        -- Polar-oids


What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?       
 -- A Stick.  

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?        -- Nacho Cheese.


What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?       
-- Subordinate Clauses.  

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?      -- Quattro Sinko.


What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?         
-- Spoiled Milk.


What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?       
  -- Frostbite.


What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?        
-- A Nervous Wreck.


What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?      
-- Anyone Can Roast Beef.


Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?         
-- Right Where You Left Him.


What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?        
-- Sanka.


What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?       

              -- A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! ....A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang, Whack!  

How Are a Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce The Same?      -- Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

 

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A String Walks Up to a Bar

 

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

 

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

 

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

 

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

 

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

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At the Pearly Gates

 

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.  I want all the women to report to St Peter."


Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.


God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household.  You have been disobedient and notfulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed.  Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

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Four Worms

 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to

his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old lady in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

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The Manager and the Genie

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and a manager were walking to lunch when they found an antique oil lamp.

 

They rubbed it and a Genie came out.

 

The Genie said, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

 

"Me first! Me first!" said the admin. clerk.

 

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She was gone.

 

"Me next! Me next!" said the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He was gone.

 

"OK, you're up," the Genie said to the manager.

 

And the manager replied: "I want those two back in the office after lunch!"

 

(moral of the story: never let the boss have the last word!)

 

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8 (mean!) One-Liner Blonde Jokes

 

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?  Wave

 

What is the brunette's mating call?  "Hey guys, all the blondes have left!"

 

How does a blonde's brain cell die?  Alone.

 

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?  To see what was on the other side.

 

What does a blonde say in the morning?  "Who ARE you guys?"

 

Why was the blonde happy when she finished the puzzle in two weeks?  Because the box said "3-5 years"

 

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?  Gifted.

 

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?  People have seen UFO's.

 

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Blonde and the Football Game (warning: Mean!)

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

 

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.   "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"   "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!

 

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Blonde Cop (warning: Mean!)

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The
blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

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Blonde Locks Keys in Car (warning: Mean!)

 

A blond walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. This time he heard the voice of another cute blonde from inside the car, instructing "No, no, a little to the left!"

 

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The Ostrich

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke. 'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there ,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

 

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Bandaged Ears

 

An employee walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss asks "What happened to your ears?"  

The employee answers "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the

phone rang and, shhhh!, I accidentally answered the iron!" 

The boss says "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" 

“Well jeez, i had to call the doctor!"  

   

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Mad Wife Disease

 

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

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The New CEO

 

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all
slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and says, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's"

   

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The End Is Near

   

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads:  The End Is Near - Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?"

 

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Speeding Driver

 

A trooper pulled a driver over and asked why he was speeding.  The driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

 

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

 

He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

 

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good old boy, from Arkansas, got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

 

The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

 

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there's no way I can pass THAT test!”

 

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House Rules for the Dog
 
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house - but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his doghouse can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the doghouse in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.